My Temptations; or what I do when I am weak
One: The temptation to isolate myself in reaction to something. When someone hurts me, I reason all the more that I should not need the person. When someone has not hurt me but holds the potential, sometimes I fear that they will reject me too much to deliberately allow them this power. But I must face this by realising that their rejection of me should not affect me, because I have died and God must be allowed to live through my actions. I should not be controlled by fear because that means ceasing to define my struggle in life as my struggle with God. You see, struggling with God, becoming a better person as pleases God and acknowledging that God is the sole being with the power to change our future, is really what I believe is the truth of this life. Also, it is meaningless to try to make myself as perfect and invulnerable as I wish I could be. I could achieve that in my static mind, but what would that be achieving?
Two: The temptation to live in my mind. A temptation not to do as God would wish me to be the most, which is to live in a eudaimonic sense. A temptation not to see the innate beauty of perseverance in the real world, as the dream world is often much more perfect and beautiful to me. A temptation to say that the world does not matter, that nothing matters except my consciousness and not failing others and not being hurt. A temptation to say the real world means nothing at all.
My greatest sin and the cause of my worry is not fully having faith that God is sovereign. If I did have faith, I would submit my life and future to his will. I would accept what he has placed and will place for me as my lot and not be scared about being shortchanged by him. I should never resent that he is creating struggles for me that are undeserved, because the issue here is not whether it's deserved or undeserved; the issue is what God wants me to do to grow from this. I should be like the plant that is pruned (except in this hypothetical, a plant that has free will, of course), who has faith that the hurt from the cut-off branches will not affect my ability to live and grow towards the light, and to believe that I will grow all the more strong after that. I should not be that plant with free will that curls in around its hurts and refuses to persevere because it has been hurt and because it cannot trust that these cuts from the Potter's hands are for the good of everything.
And so, here I confess that one of my greatest tensions is this: Wanting not to have to be saved at all, and having a great desire for someone to see me and care about me greatly and save me. But I have been saved, and I need not fear, and now it is time for me to bloom in utter gratitude towards my Maker.
Two: The temptation to live in my mind. A temptation not to do as God would wish me to be the most, which is to live in a eudaimonic sense. A temptation not to see the innate beauty of perseverance in the real world, as the dream world is often much more perfect and beautiful to me. A temptation to say that the world does not matter, that nothing matters except my consciousness and not failing others and not being hurt. A temptation to say the real world means nothing at all.
My greatest sin and the cause of my worry is not fully having faith that God is sovereign. If I did have faith, I would submit my life and future to his will. I would accept what he has placed and will place for me as my lot and not be scared about being shortchanged by him. I should never resent that he is creating struggles for me that are undeserved, because the issue here is not whether it's deserved or undeserved; the issue is what God wants me to do to grow from this. I should be like the plant that is pruned (except in this hypothetical, a plant that has free will, of course), who has faith that the hurt from the cut-off branches will not affect my ability to live and grow towards the light, and to believe that I will grow all the more strong after that. I should not be that plant with free will that curls in around its hurts and refuses to persevere because it has been hurt and because it cannot trust that these cuts from the Potter's hands are for the good of everything.
And so, here I confess that one of my greatest tensions is this: Wanting not to have to be saved at all, and having a great desire for someone to see me and care about me greatly and save me. But I have been saved, and I need not fear, and now it is time for me to bloom in utter gratitude towards my Maker.
Labels: God, temptations
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