All these different forces
This shall be a whiny post, so I'm warning in advance. And also delivering a reminder that everyone is whiny at times, so.
I totally don't feel like going to school tomorrow, although (because?) it's my busiest day. I'll have to wake up at 6.30 to go to Kent Ridge again, though I really do like learning Korean. I shall probably end up going for all my classes, because in uni it's much harder to make up classes than to just go for them and sit there half dead.
There's actually no point to me staying up so late (this is considered late for me, because I really didn't do anything constructive with my time) but I was listening to music, and thinking and reading about people and books. Nightwish really has the most awesome music, only their lyrics are so inconsistent. They need better lyricists. (While I'm on the topic, Evanescence and Nightwish are coming up with new albums this year!) I have been addicted to tumblr too.
There's always this weird tension in me about appreciating beauty vs. just stopping that and settling myself down to do work. When I really do work it's like the world vanishes. I do like it in a way - it's why I used to appreciate exams - because your life suddenly shrinks to this tunnel vision view of life where you go and do what you can and then feel like you've accomplished something and you rest.
But when I'm addicted to ideas I really am addicted. It's then that I feel that I am most alive, even though this means that the times when I'm most inspired are often when I'm not with people or doing anything in particular except thinking or looking at things.
I suppose that's why even though I love hanging out with friends, I am never totally fulfilled laughing and forgetting the world with them. Because I'm not using my dominant Ni, though my Fe is engaged in some sense.
I feel really guilty when I ignore the world and its demands and do other things though. Because I want to have certain qualities - to be reliable, to be efficient, to be smart. All those things that are good for work. Real life always calls!
But inside of me, do you know what I live for? It's hard to decide, but I think I actually live for cheering other people up. I really like doing little things for other people, like finding gifts for them or sending them inspiring things when they feel down. I like to listen to people. I like to understand people and empathize with them.
I'm assuming that's one of the reasons why God is sending me to Drew - because he needs someone to do a bit of that there. He has made me this way for a reason, after all. I remember during my internship, I talked to this friend who said she would never work in a big firm because she didn't want to be a slave to work, which she reasoned she would be if she was forced to work those sort of hours.
But I think in some way I will be able to resist that because I have this built-in mechanism not to think of work as defining me for long, though I can put on the mindset for short times when I really have to. I must indulge in ideas and feelings and beauty to survive; it's not even a choice I can take to reprogram myself into an efficient robot. I am really glad that God made me the way I think and feel.
At the same time, I'm quite scared that my runaway instincts will overwhelm everything. I am quite a runaway, honestly. I'm scared that people will end up being disappointed with me because I'm motivated by different things from them, and that I will mind even though I know what I do really feel for and how I'm really built. I just take on all these needless burdens of what I'm supposed to be doing and what other people want me to be. In light of those burdens, I'm scared that I will fall, and that there will come a point when I won't be able to feel or act by faith. So this is a reminder to me, to cheer me up:
I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:10-13.
This is what Paul wrote to the church at Philippi. As a missionary of the early church, he's sustained by the provisions of others, which means often going hungry. The church at Philippi finally sends him some gifts, and instead of rejoicing that his needs have been met, Paul says that he actually is not rejoicing for himself. He even talks about how he's fine being in want of food and hungry. Not exactly the sort of thing modern non-profit organizations (i.e. the UN, we were just talking about this in class today) say in their annual budget forecasts when they really do want more money. I do believe Paul truly doesn't have any need to pressure the church at Philippi because he knows that God will provide for him when he needs.
And you know what? As long as I believe, I am going to be strengthened by God.
That wasn't so whiny after all, was it? :)
I totally don't feel like going to school tomorrow, although (because?) it's my busiest day. I'll have to wake up at 6.30 to go to Kent Ridge again, though I really do like learning Korean. I shall probably end up going for all my classes, because in uni it's much harder to make up classes than to just go for them and sit there half dead.
There's actually no point to me staying up so late (this is considered late for me, because I really didn't do anything constructive with my time) but I was listening to music, and thinking and reading about people and books. Nightwish really has the most awesome music, only their lyrics are so inconsistent. They need better lyricists. (While I'm on the topic, Evanescence and Nightwish are coming up with new albums this year!) I have been addicted to tumblr too.
There's always this weird tension in me about appreciating beauty vs. just stopping that and settling myself down to do work. When I really do work it's like the world vanishes. I do like it in a way - it's why I used to appreciate exams - because your life suddenly shrinks to this tunnel vision view of life where you go and do what you can and then feel like you've accomplished something and you rest.
But when I'm addicted to ideas I really am addicted. It's then that I feel that I am most alive, even though this means that the times when I'm most inspired are often when I'm not with people or doing anything in particular except thinking or looking at things.
I suppose that's why even though I love hanging out with friends, I am never totally fulfilled laughing and forgetting the world with them. Because I'm not using my dominant Ni, though my Fe is engaged in some sense.
I feel really guilty when I ignore the world and its demands and do other things though. Because I want to have certain qualities - to be reliable, to be efficient, to be smart. All those things that are good for work. Real life always calls!
But inside of me, do you know what I live for? It's hard to decide, but I think I actually live for cheering other people up. I really like doing little things for other people, like finding gifts for them or sending them inspiring things when they feel down. I like to listen to people. I like to understand people and empathize with them.
I'm assuming that's one of the reasons why God is sending me to Drew - because he needs someone to do a bit of that there. He has made me this way for a reason, after all. I remember during my internship, I talked to this friend who said she would never work in a big firm because she didn't want to be a slave to work, which she reasoned she would be if she was forced to work those sort of hours.
But I think in some way I will be able to resist that because I have this built-in mechanism not to think of work as defining me for long, though I can put on the mindset for short times when I really have to. I must indulge in ideas and feelings and beauty to survive; it's not even a choice I can take to reprogram myself into an efficient robot. I am really glad that God made me the way I think and feel.
At the same time, I'm quite scared that my runaway instincts will overwhelm everything. I am quite a runaway, honestly. I'm scared that people will end up being disappointed with me because I'm motivated by different things from them, and that I will mind even though I know what I do really feel for and how I'm really built. I just take on all these needless burdens of what I'm supposed to be doing and what other people want me to be. In light of those burdens, I'm scared that I will fall, and that there will come a point when I won't be able to feel or act by faith. So this is a reminder to me, to cheer me up:
I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:10-13.
This is what Paul wrote to the church at Philippi. As a missionary of the early church, he's sustained by the provisions of others, which means often going hungry. The church at Philippi finally sends him some gifts, and instead of rejoicing that his needs have been met, Paul says that he actually is not rejoicing for himself. He even talks about how he's fine being in want of food and hungry. Not exactly the sort of thing modern non-profit organizations (i.e. the UN, we were just talking about this in class today) say in their annual budget forecasts when they really do want more money. I do believe Paul truly doesn't have any need to pressure the church at Philippi because he knows that God will provide for him when he needs.
And you know what? As long as I believe, I am going to be strengthened by God.
That wasn't so whiny after all, was it? :)
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