how to live
Short realisation:
I have discovered that actually forming a case - applying the law to tricky facts - teaches you much more about the law than studying a textbook.
*
Long realisation:
"And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again."
2 Corinthians 5:15.
A lot of things I am afraid of, come about because I live for myself. I am too attached to my image, and that is not a good thing. I am what you call a perfectionist, but only in certain areas.
You see, everyone has their weak points and their strong points. And my curiousest point (whether it be strong or weak) is my narcissistic image. I have no problem in appearing to be certain things that aren't always viewed as good. Meanwhile, I have had a problem tolerating appearing to be other things, mainly appearing weak in the areas I most want to be strong in. And so I have feared and shied away from things I have thought to be good to put efforts into to attain.
Perhaps at this point I should analyse what I mean as narcissism. I feel that I should first clarify that no, I have not been diagnosed with the disorder.
What I mean is: Inordinate fascination with one's image, a propensity to internalise failure. It leads to a strange cycle where the things you want the most, you are most afraid to reach for. Because if you fail, you feel that it defines you - as the ultimate failure.
Let me explain my fear further. When I attempt something I truly wish to be good at, I yearn to attain the best standard. I know I should not expect myself to reach that standard immediately, and may not ever reach there for all my efforts. However, while I am striving, I feel ashamed because I am not there yet. I'm still holding myself to the best standard I cannot reach. I feel ashamed to be judged on my best efforts, which are my best at this point in time, but which are not the best for everyone, or may not even be viewed as good.
But I hope not to stop putting in my best efforts now, and confronting my flaws and doing my best to face them.
For why should I be called to do this? Why should I put in my efforts in the strife to reach a better standard? Of course I am fulfilled in a way by being able to put forth a case I believe in, and by being just good at what I do, for God isn't so inhumane as to set one to do a task they find absolutely no pleasure in. But what has brought me through so far? What has carried me through?
Who brings me through those moments when I feel like I'm not enough?
You have provided your comfort, God. The circumstances that you have brought me renew my strength. They renew my hope to find that bright light at the end of this road, and my dreams and bliss when I hope to be involved in the most beautiful and good and true mission of all.
I want not to fear others' judgment, as long as God is in front of me, approving my way. And I want not to ignore what others say because I am fearful. I want to be both yielding and resolute, all at once.
So looking forward, this mission has a way to become sustainable, with God as my compass and shield. Let me remember that this isn't about me, but about you, and so I need not fear what others think of me and my abilities.
*
One day I was unexpectedly early for class because my mother was leaving at the same time and sent me out to the main road. Coincidentally I met a junior who is going on exchange soon, and she told me a story which I had just enough time to hear because I was early.
She said,
"There was a man whom God told to push an immense boulder. The man was faithful and strong, and he pushed it day and night for twenty years without it moving.
At the end of those twenty years, he died. The boulder had not budged a bit. The man confessed to God, with the greatest shame and self-loathing, that he had failed.
God answered, "Who said I wanted you to move that rock?"
"What do you mean?" asked the man.
God gently replied, "I only told you to push it."
Because pushing the boulder had trained his faithfulness and discipline. While taking everything he had emotionally and physically, it had strengthened him. The man had only been asked to push, and keep pushing. And accepting his efforts, God then moved the rock."
*
God, thank you for the friends you give me; and thank you to my friends themselves, for all the support and time and listening that you have given me. Thank you for the people you have allowed me to meet who touch my life; and thank you to those who touch my life. :)
I have discovered that actually forming a case - applying the law to tricky facts - teaches you much more about the law than studying a textbook.
*
Long realisation:
"And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again."
2 Corinthians 5:15.
A lot of things I am afraid of, come about because I live for myself. I am too attached to my image, and that is not a good thing. I am what you call a perfectionist, but only in certain areas.
You see, everyone has their weak points and their strong points. And my curiousest point (whether it be strong or weak) is my narcissistic image. I have no problem in appearing to be certain things that aren't always viewed as good. Meanwhile, I have had a problem tolerating appearing to be other things, mainly appearing weak in the areas I most want to be strong in. And so I have feared and shied away from things I have thought to be good to put efforts into to attain.
Perhaps at this point I should analyse what I mean as narcissism. I feel that I should first clarify that no, I have not been diagnosed with the disorder.
What I mean is: Inordinate fascination with one's image, a propensity to internalise failure. It leads to a strange cycle where the things you want the most, you are most afraid to reach for. Because if you fail, you feel that it defines you - as the ultimate failure.
Let me explain my fear further. When I attempt something I truly wish to be good at, I yearn to attain the best standard. I know I should not expect myself to reach that standard immediately, and may not ever reach there for all my efforts. However, while I am striving, I feel ashamed because I am not there yet. I'm still holding myself to the best standard I cannot reach. I feel ashamed to be judged on my best efforts, which are my best at this point in time, but which are not the best for everyone, or may not even be viewed as good.
But I hope not to stop putting in my best efforts now, and confronting my flaws and doing my best to face them.
For why should I be called to do this? Why should I put in my efforts in the strife to reach a better standard? Of course I am fulfilled in a way by being able to put forth a case I believe in, and by being just good at what I do, for God isn't so inhumane as to set one to do a task they find absolutely no pleasure in. But what has brought me through so far? What has carried me through?
Who brings me through those moments when I feel like I'm not enough?
You have provided your comfort, God. The circumstances that you have brought me renew my strength. They renew my hope to find that bright light at the end of this road, and my dreams and bliss when I hope to be involved in the most beautiful and good and true mission of all.
I want not to fear others' judgment, as long as God is in front of me, approving my way. And I want not to ignore what others say because I am fearful. I want to be both yielding and resolute, all at once.
So looking forward, this mission has a way to become sustainable, with God as my compass and shield. Let me remember that this isn't about me, but about you, and so I need not fear what others think of me and my abilities.
*
One day I was unexpectedly early for class because my mother was leaving at the same time and sent me out to the main road. Coincidentally I met a junior who is going on exchange soon, and she told me a story which I had just enough time to hear because I was early.
She said,
"There was a man whom God told to push an immense boulder. The man was faithful and strong, and he pushed it day and night for twenty years without it moving.
At the end of those twenty years, he died. The boulder had not budged a bit. The man confessed to God, with the greatest shame and self-loathing, that he had failed.
God answered, "Who said I wanted you to move that rock?"
"What do you mean?" asked the man.
God gently replied, "I only told you to push it."
Because pushing the boulder had trained his faithfulness and discipline. While taking everything he had emotionally and physically, it had strengthened him. The man had only been asked to push, and keep pushing. And accepting his efforts, God then moved the rock."
*
God, thank you for the friends you give me; and thank you to my friends themselves, for all the support and time and listening that you have given me. Thank you for the people you have allowed me to meet who touch my life; and thank you to those who touch my life. :)
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