I am
Not sure I can fully describe the arc of my metamorphosis during the Part B period, but I will try.
I've been so unhappy, and trying to figure out why. People say it's the last time to enjoy, just play and don't worry - but I couldn't and didn't want to spend my time not learning, and yet I couldn't also devote myself fully to work to reach the standard I could see in my mind. In hindsight, of course you won't meet that standard when you try not to use muggers, and try to formulate answers yourself, yet don't commit the same level of concentration as those who really want this for itself. And of course not, when you spend hours thinking about things you're not meant to be in control of, that you're not meant to have answer to. But these are in hindsight.
Things on my mind: The future. I yearned to figure out how work would be like, and to start running towards the rest of my life. And also, the past. Letting go of the things that are past. Emptying my heart of the burdens for the people who don't belong in the present - they may in the future, but they have shown by their actions that they definitely aren't going to be here for the Now. So I should not let thinking of them weigh on me so much when they don't want me to keep them there. With so much taking up my mental and emotional capacity, it was difficult for me to be open to knowing more people, because there just wasn't enough space. So for those friends who aren't there: I still love you. But I'm going to let go of you, and I think things will be a lot better this way.
Also: Fear was in my heart a lot. Fear of how new people in class would see me when they heard I was going to Drew liti, and how they would judge my standards and awareness of how they would form impressions of me. Fear of sharing my burdens with others. Fear of being human. Fear of how God would test me, fear that I couldn't live up to it. Fear because I placed too much emphasis on things I couldn't control (really, impressions can stick no matter what people do, and many impressions are based on intuitions that you may or may not affect, and to use deliberate effort to achieve a set image makes you feel fake and not yourself). Fear because I placed too much emphasis on things that didn't matter because they are not real, and not important or even real obstacles to God.
I think I'm learning that how I am now is how I am going to be. I can't suddenly change and become all professional and 100% efficient and not human. And what's more, it's probably a good thing that I'm not, because if I were, I'd not be able to identify with people, my good feelings about being able to do what I do would constantly be making people feel bad about themselves - the sort of trade where by being special, you make others feel bad. And because I wouldn't let myself be human, even though I am, I would also never know true grace and acceptance of the Me with all my flaws.
I guess what I want to say again is this: that I am who I am. I know people are going to form their impressions of me. They are going to judge me, and wonder at what I'm doing. But that's okay. Because the most important thing is being right with God. Being right in my heart, doing what I feel is right and good at each time, even if I sense you wondering why I am being so friendly, or how can I be so frank, or why is this girl so not normal? As long as I have my reasons for doing it, that I find desirable to have/do. :)
So just now, this is reality: That He is, and I am.
I've been so unhappy, and trying to figure out why. People say it's the last time to enjoy, just play and don't worry - but I couldn't and didn't want to spend my time not learning, and yet I couldn't also devote myself fully to work to reach the standard I could see in my mind. In hindsight, of course you won't meet that standard when you try not to use muggers, and try to formulate answers yourself, yet don't commit the same level of concentration as those who really want this for itself. And of course not, when you spend hours thinking about things you're not meant to be in control of, that you're not meant to have answer to. But these are in hindsight.
Things on my mind: The future. I yearned to figure out how work would be like, and to start running towards the rest of my life. And also, the past. Letting go of the things that are past. Emptying my heart of the burdens for the people who don't belong in the present - they may in the future, but they have shown by their actions that they definitely aren't going to be here for the Now. So I should not let thinking of them weigh on me so much when they don't want me to keep them there. With so much taking up my mental and emotional capacity, it was difficult for me to be open to knowing more people, because there just wasn't enough space. So for those friends who aren't there: I still love you. But I'm going to let go of you, and I think things will be a lot better this way.
Also: Fear was in my heart a lot. Fear of how new people in class would see me when they heard I was going to Drew liti, and how they would judge my standards and awareness of how they would form impressions of me. Fear of sharing my burdens with others. Fear of being human. Fear of how God would test me, fear that I couldn't live up to it. Fear because I placed too much emphasis on things I couldn't control (really, impressions can stick no matter what people do, and many impressions are based on intuitions that you may or may not affect, and to use deliberate effort to achieve a set image makes you feel fake and not yourself). Fear because I placed too much emphasis on things that didn't matter because they are not real, and not important or even real obstacles to God.
I think I'm learning that how I am now is how I am going to be. I can't suddenly change and become all professional and 100% efficient and not human. And what's more, it's probably a good thing that I'm not, because if I were, I'd not be able to identify with people, my good feelings about being able to do what I do would constantly be making people feel bad about themselves - the sort of trade where by being special, you make others feel bad. And because I wouldn't let myself be human, even though I am, I would also never know true grace and acceptance of the Me with all my flaws.
I guess what I want to say again is this: that I am who I am. I know people are going to form their impressions of me. They are going to judge me, and wonder at what I'm doing. But that's okay. Because the most important thing is being right with God. Being right in my heart, doing what I feel is right and good at each time, even if I sense you wondering why I am being so friendly, or how can I be so frank, or why is this girl so not normal? As long as I have my reasons for doing it, that I find desirable to have/do. :)
So just now, this is reality: That He is, and I am.
Labels: part b, reflections
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