Dealing with Life
I think I'm becoming more adjusted to the world. I feel more able to comment on things. And I think my new focus is to find the match being seeing the world as it is, and still loving and wanting to give and actually giving of myself with a pure heart.
The background of this is, of course, how I seldom have been able to identify with people who are jaded at the world. Have strangely not been able to identify with the feelings of most people towards changes actually - didn't look forward especially to traveling in the holidays or on exchange, didn't have a especial thirst for new experiences besides those I marked specially in my mind, didn't mope very much about school ending because I did in my head feel like it was appropriate to move on to work and grow there, am trying to fight against the urge to be anxious about things like comparing answers for tutorials so you get the absolutely right one and live with and depend on my own reasonable effort to answer... I do, sometimes, have flashes of these feelings and am able to relate in conversation but they seem to be much more fleeting than for some others.
Which don't make me better than anyone else, because I do have my own problems to deal with. Different temptations that rule my life. Problems like fear of responsibility for hurting others to the extent I dreaded driving, or that I over-think things against my instinct although a friend pointed out that there is no perfect information and that many things that others say, they don't say with extra information than you; or that I have to balance being straightforward in what I think and thinking of how best the other person would handle it - I tend to go too much either way depending on the strength of my relationship with the other person.
And now I'm learning to just take things as they come, and hopefully not worry as much as I would have before. Learning how to just, manage. Although it is a constant journey, and I must accept that just because I believe I'm growing that way doesn't mean I'm suddenly free of it or that I won't regress at times.
*
Learning how to define life from the inside. Learning how it is to find that personal drive inside myself, and grown-up acceptance of the things I have planned to do, and to go through no matter how I'm feeling. To insulate myself from what people think I should be doing to continually seek within for what I actually think I should be doing - and still not outwardly have to closet myself away from them.
I am who I am, and if you see me because you have that ability to perceive with insight then you do, and if you don't, then so be it. :)
*
Hope this ability stays with me; the ability to live openly with uncertainty and judgment and look straight forward. My path is my path, I've realized, and no one in life takes absolutely the same path, so we have to learn how to be alright with that. In the midst of strangers and new situations with different roles to play, the only surety you have is that your consciousness is there - and God, if you believe in Him. I'm not even sure you can take along things like your abilities or your human identifiers like being female or this certain height or being able to walk or talk - especially thinking of the transition of death...
The walk can be lonely and tedious of course, but as a person of faith I will believe that God is always there to hear me and to direct me, and to promise that if I just hold on and look straight ahead, eyes on that figure of Him, it will all be fine somehow and even excellent in hindsight.
The background of this is, of course, how I seldom have been able to identify with people who are jaded at the world. Have strangely not been able to identify with the feelings of most people towards changes actually - didn't look forward especially to traveling in the holidays or on exchange, didn't have a especial thirst for new experiences besides those I marked specially in my mind, didn't mope very much about school ending because I did in my head feel like it was appropriate to move on to work and grow there, am trying to fight against the urge to be anxious about things like comparing answers for tutorials so you get the absolutely right one and live with and depend on my own reasonable effort to answer... I do, sometimes, have flashes of these feelings and am able to relate in conversation but they seem to be much more fleeting than for some others.
Which don't make me better than anyone else, because I do have my own problems to deal with. Different temptations that rule my life. Problems like fear of responsibility for hurting others to the extent I dreaded driving, or that I over-think things against my instinct although a friend pointed out that there is no perfect information and that many things that others say, they don't say with extra information than you; or that I have to balance being straightforward in what I think and thinking of how best the other person would handle it - I tend to go too much either way depending on the strength of my relationship with the other person.
And now I'm learning to just take things as they come, and hopefully not worry as much as I would have before. Learning how to just, manage. Although it is a constant journey, and I must accept that just because I believe I'm growing that way doesn't mean I'm suddenly free of it or that I won't regress at times.
*
Learning how to define life from the inside. Learning how it is to find that personal drive inside myself, and grown-up acceptance of the things I have planned to do, and to go through no matter how I'm feeling. To insulate myself from what people think I should be doing to continually seek within for what I actually think I should be doing - and still not outwardly have to closet myself away from them.
I am who I am, and if you see me because you have that ability to perceive with insight then you do, and if you don't, then so be it. :)
*
Hope this ability stays with me; the ability to live openly with uncertainty and judgment and look straight forward. My path is my path, I've realized, and no one in life takes absolutely the same path, so we have to learn how to be alright with that. In the midst of strangers and new situations with different roles to play, the only surety you have is that your consciousness is there - and God, if you believe in Him. I'm not even sure you can take along things like your abilities or your human identifiers like being female or this certain height or being able to walk or talk - especially thinking of the transition of death...
The walk can be lonely and tedious of course, but as a person of faith I will believe that God is always there to hear me and to direct me, and to promise that if I just hold on and look straight ahead, eyes on that figure of Him, it will all be fine somehow and even excellent in hindsight.
Labels: growing up, growth, mindset
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