Hope
I think I have turned into a pessimistic person after Drew. Because I know how bad it is to hope, and act on that hope even, and not have that hope be met. I know how it feels to wait and wait, persevering, and not get a "yes". I know how it feels to give up.
In spite of my current job, I still feel a lack of hope acutely. In my head there is this notion that nothing will ever change, that nothing I do will be of consequence, that in the end I will be cut down by those who have placed me here, because they will give up on me and their dreams for me, as well.
I am trying to fight it. But silence is hard. Solitude is hard. The impression of soldering on alone is hard.
I have to fight this.
***
I know that I am missing the Word. I am missing the reality of God. I gave up on Him too, in some way, not perhaps when I left, but in the months after that, when everything sank in. I gave up on the idea that the world is perfect.
It's my fault; I had imposed wrong ideas on him of "success" and the reality of life.
"I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."
- Ecclesiastes 3:10-11.
It's all under control. It's all as it should be. God knows and he will provide what is needed, even if not what I want for myself.
Pray for me.
In spite of my current job, I still feel a lack of hope acutely. In my head there is this notion that nothing will ever change, that nothing I do will be of consequence, that in the end I will be cut down by those who have placed me here, because they will give up on me and their dreams for me, as well.
I am trying to fight it. But silence is hard. Solitude is hard. The impression of soldering on alone is hard.
I have to fight this.
***
I know that I am missing the Word. I am missing the reality of God. I gave up on Him too, in some way, not perhaps when I left, but in the months after that, when everything sank in. I gave up on the idea that the world is perfect.
It's my fault; I had imposed wrong ideas on him of "success" and the reality of life.
"I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."
- Ecclesiastes 3:10-11.
It's all under control. It's all as it should be. God knows and he will provide what is needed, even if not what I want for myself.
Pray for me.
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