a love of privacy; or my coldhearted self
I hate going out everyday. It's expected, but when I keep borrowing more books I actually want to have time to read them at a stretch, rather than having to get up and get dressed and set out approximately an hour in advance to meet a friend. Actually, I have to start changing an hour before that. I don't really spend the entire hour changing, but I wash up and put in contacts and sometimes some blusher and then I walk around and read newspapers or online blogs and then spend a while deciding what to wear, sometimes changing clothes a few times because the outfit just doesn't feel right. Sometimes I do things to my hair (which maybe I should get cut before I go to UK for a month, if I have the time.) Packing my bag takes a while too, if I decide to change bags I have to decide which of my extraneous possessions I should bring along.
On the other hand I want to meet friends too. Oh, how time is short even in the holidays!
To get to the point: I have a great love of privacy, but also a love of having good friends. A world without people you can trust enough to have fun with (I don't like having fun with people I don't trust, but for transitions to new environments I try to encourage my friendly side by plunging without thinking so much or people would think I'm being standoffish; they would!) is a very scary place.
Another point: As much as I sometimes think I should be doing more than thinking, I can't imagine myself without time to reflect. I would freak out.
Third point: A friend suggested I should get ggy to quit his job, since he will be going overseas soon for many years. I wouldn't do that because I wouldn't spend all that time with him anyway. We both need time to do things we like - imagine if he tried to learn about all his sciency stuff while he was with me and told me all he wanted to say about them! Similarly I can imagine his exclamations if made to shop with me whenever I want to.
And now the main bulk of this post.
I kinda always wanted a female twin, or a very very close best friend forever. I am not sure whether this is a female mythical goal thing, whether most girls have had that wish. My younger sister seems to have one, who thankfully isn't the friend of hers I disapprove of, of course for a particular good reason. When I was younger I used to have various close groups of girlfriends; I wished that we would grow old and I could be in a good position to give advice when they named their daughters. As much as I've loved some of them more than they love me, there have also been those who loved me more than I loved them.
But I never did get that lifelong best friend forever. I think the steadiest and closest friend I have has been Chunny, who is a genuinely loving person to her friends, which is good for the me who doesn't feel comfortable accepting favours from a lot of friends.
Though now I wonder if I really would be suited to having a lifelong best friend forever. I am not sure I can imagine devoting that much time to a person, to be their main fallback person, without experiencing a lot of stress. I like having various friends from different places, and sometimes being privy to their heartfelt problems, but I'm not sure I could take being a regular caregiver - focusing on one person to the exclusion of other well deserving friends. I am not sure what would qualify such a person to be a best friend forever.
Also, some really good friends can't qualify to be my choice of best friend forever. I feel myself shrinking back when they get too close, and I am not sure why. To them I can only be a friend (which I find a good enough bond, as it takes me a while to call a person a friend), and if they get too close I may just feel repulsed and temporarily resort to extreme measures though I like them well enough otherwise.
So I guess for all my feelings for friends I do have a cold heart if you cross my boundaries. And maybe that's also part of why I don't have a best friend forever yet.
On the other hand I want to meet friends too. Oh, how time is short even in the holidays!
To get to the point: I have a great love of privacy, but also a love of having good friends. A world without people you can trust enough to have fun with (I don't like having fun with people I don't trust, but for transitions to new environments I try to encourage my friendly side by plunging without thinking so much or people would think I'm being standoffish; they would!) is a very scary place.
Another point: As much as I sometimes think I should be doing more than thinking, I can't imagine myself without time to reflect. I would freak out.
Third point: A friend suggested I should get ggy to quit his job, since he will be going overseas soon for many years. I wouldn't do that because I wouldn't spend all that time with him anyway. We both need time to do things we like - imagine if he tried to learn about all his sciency stuff while he was with me and told me all he wanted to say about them! Similarly I can imagine his exclamations if made to shop with me whenever I want to.
And now the main bulk of this post.
I kinda always wanted a female twin, or a very very close best friend forever. I am not sure whether this is a female mythical goal thing, whether most girls have had that wish. My younger sister seems to have one, who thankfully isn't the friend of hers I disapprove of, of course for a particular good reason. When I was younger I used to have various close groups of girlfriends; I wished that we would grow old and I could be in a good position to give advice when they named their daughters. As much as I've loved some of them more than they love me, there have also been those who loved me more than I loved them.
But I never did get that lifelong best friend forever. I think the steadiest and closest friend I have has been Chunny, who is a genuinely loving person to her friends, which is good for the me who doesn't feel comfortable accepting favours from a lot of friends.
Though now I wonder if I really would be suited to having a lifelong best friend forever. I am not sure I can imagine devoting that much time to a person, to be their main fallback person, without experiencing a lot of stress. I like having various friends from different places, and sometimes being privy to their heartfelt problems, but I'm not sure I could take being a regular caregiver - focusing on one person to the exclusion of other well deserving friends. I am not sure what would qualify such a person to be a best friend forever.
Also, some really good friends can't qualify to be my choice of best friend forever. I feel myself shrinking back when they get too close, and I am not sure why. To them I can only be a friend (which I find a good enough bond, as it takes me a while to call a person a friend), and if they get too close I may just feel repulsed and temporarily resort to extreme measures though I like them well enough otherwise.
So I guess for all my feelings for friends I do have a cold heart if you cross my boundaries. And maybe that's also part of why I don't have a best friend forever yet.
Labels: chunny, friends, ggy, reflections
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