life in retrospect
I think we really don't know ourselves as well as we think.
Being a doctor. I really, really admire my father. They say parents unwittingly become the role models for their children's lives; well, I've always wanted to be more like my father than my mother in my personal view of life. Yes, I see that he has flaws and no, I do not hate or disrespect my mother. But I have always wanted to be more like him and I have always naturally appreciated his brand of wisdom more than my mother's.
So it hurt to be told, I think when I was in junior college, that he didn't think I should do medicine. Even if he narrowed his ruling by saying, I definitely shouldn't be a surgeon. I guess it hurt a bit more that he didn't judge all of us the same in this respect; my younger sister passed the test and I have seen his hope that she follow in his footsteps. And she probably will go all the way.
Anyway, regardless of the fact that I wasn't exactly burning to do medicine, I resented him for outright discouraging me from doing something. It smarted that he had judged that I wasn't capable.
But you know, on hindsight I've realised the truth that I don't exactly live in the physical world. It kills me to have to notice things in a sensory way; often I find my direction better by meandering back based on intuition. Games of all sorts requiring sensory skills? I'm hopeless, I easily get startled out of concentration because I just don't naturally live in the moment. When I get directions to apply two types of eye drops every three hours, with a five minute interval, I often forget what I've applied because in the five minutes I started thinking about something else and now it's been twenty minutes. (I then proceed on intuition.) Even a few years older and more experienced than when I was given my advice, I'm still so drifty.
Moreover, I have realised that I am very squicked out (that is the exact phrase encapsulating the feeling) about physical things. Like when I first started using contact lenses. Or like the invasion into my eye area of a clamp and a suctioning device. I guess you're wondering how I ever went through that: I ignored my fear and refused to let it contain me; it doesn't go away.
And then there's the not even liking bio. Always liked physics better, when I bothered. And still other stuff too.
So sometimes. When people say something, you really have to learn not to take it personally. To evaluate where they're coming from. Because sometimes they're seeing things with a clearer lens than you. Your lens is murky, as much as you live behind that lens and only that lens. When they've gone through realisations that give them insight, they don't want you to waste your time. They tell you the truth because they love you so much that they want to force you to face it. So that you can start to become the best you can be, grounded in the circumstances of who you are and how circumstances are in the world around you.
I suppose at the same time, I am also inclined to trust my father more when he tells me the good stuff too. I just wish we could all see things clearly from the start, but we can't, being inherently human. So we slowly strengthen ourselves to pick up the pieces, to learn what there is to learn and to build anew with new knowledge.
Being a doctor. I really, really admire my father. They say parents unwittingly become the role models for their children's lives; well, I've always wanted to be more like my father than my mother in my personal view of life. Yes, I see that he has flaws and no, I do not hate or disrespect my mother. But I have always wanted to be more like him and I have always naturally appreciated his brand of wisdom more than my mother's.
So it hurt to be told, I think when I was in junior college, that he didn't think I should do medicine. Even if he narrowed his ruling by saying, I definitely shouldn't be a surgeon. I guess it hurt a bit more that he didn't judge all of us the same in this respect; my younger sister passed the test and I have seen his hope that she follow in his footsteps. And she probably will go all the way.
Anyway, regardless of the fact that I wasn't exactly burning to do medicine, I resented him for outright discouraging me from doing something. It smarted that he had judged that I wasn't capable.
But you know, on hindsight I've realised the truth that I don't exactly live in the physical world. It kills me to have to notice things in a sensory way; often I find my direction better by meandering back based on intuition. Games of all sorts requiring sensory skills? I'm hopeless, I easily get startled out of concentration because I just don't naturally live in the moment. When I get directions to apply two types of eye drops every three hours, with a five minute interval, I often forget what I've applied because in the five minutes I started thinking about something else and now it's been twenty minutes. (I then proceed on intuition.) Even a few years older and more experienced than when I was given my advice, I'm still so drifty.
Moreover, I have realised that I am very squicked out (that is the exact phrase encapsulating the feeling) about physical things. Like when I first started using contact lenses. Or like the invasion into my eye area of a clamp and a suctioning device. I guess you're wondering how I ever went through that: I ignored my fear and refused to let it contain me; it doesn't go away.
And then there's the not even liking bio. Always liked physics better, when I bothered. And still other stuff too.
So sometimes. When people say something, you really have to learn not to take it personally. To evaluate where they're coming from. Because sometimes they're seeing things with a clearer lens than you. Your lens is murky, as much as you live behind that lens and only that lens. When they've gone through realisations that give them insight, they don't want you to waste your time. They tell you the truth because they love you so much that they want to force you to face it. So that you can start to become the best you can be, grounded in the circumstances of who you are and how circumstances are in the world around you.
I suppose at the same time, I am also inclined to trust my father more when he tells me the good stuff too. I just wish we could all see things clearly from the start, but we can't, being inherently human. So we slowly strengthen ourselves to pick up the pieces, to learn what there is to learn and to build anew with new knowledge.
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