Relationships
I was cleaning up my room recently, and with cleaning of my room comes the unearthing of all sorts of finds. Such: Lost concealer, pencil sharpeners, discovery of more supplies of body scrubs that I stocked up on before, feelings of nauseousness, a glass of shells (I used to collect shells and stones when I was younger), rediscovery of Christopher Carrion (I had been wondering where he went to), a necklace I was supposed to repair for my younger sister long ago...
Haha. :) Also, many postcards and letters that Ggy had sent to me. It's the first time I'm publicly posting about our breakup, and almost 5 months to the day that we did.
*
Breakups are never about one person. They're about both people involved, and how something between them didn't work out. For me, it was the discovery that what he wanted, I couldn't give him. I had promised to try to take our relationship as far as it could go to marriage. It was a promise to be staunch and steadfast, to stay committed to our relationship and to internally testing it whether it could make it that far, as opposed to externally testing it against other options. I think that, although I could not go further because I realized certain critical things about me and you, I have loved you in this way.
As much as I realized in the end that he wasn't able to meet all my needs, and it was really hurting and draining me, and that both of us didn't know each other anymore, I know that I too haven't been seeing him properly and fully as he is. I am very sorry, because you have a very pure heart, and you are a very wonderful person whom all my friends think is funny and smart and whom my parents too have grown to like, though you're scared they don't like you. I'm sorry that I haven't loved you the way you deserve, and I wish for you all the best.
*
I've been thinking a lot about relationships recently. Some of my friends will know this because I've been sharing all sorts of ideas with them. It started from the breakup, and realizing how I needed to be aware of my needs, and meta-aware of what I was doing in my daily life. I also have realized recently that I am not very close to a lot of my family members, even though I feel like I want to love them. And this, too, is part of my blindness because I have not been seeing things clearly enough. So I want to do more to love them, as opposed to feeling sad that they aren't loving and reaching out to be in my life. For what it is, I am a human with the choice to change things, and I am also the second child of this family, and so I have much power and responsibility really.
Other than that, I've been thinking about future relationships. I do not think that I am ready for a new relationship soon. I have a lot of things to settle with the transition to work, and cannot commit to anyone before that transition has been made. And a friend introduced to me the idea of purity, as elucidated by Joshua Harris in I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship. I know, Christians (especially American ones?) do all sorts of things like purity rings which no one really keeps. But the idea of sexual purity first comes about from the concept of purity itself. Which is: Being pure in intention towards others.
It is a pure thing to do when you are clear about what you have to offer others, and do not entice or mislead them to be more to you than you are willing to give back. I do believe in things like cross-gender friendships, because I do think that sometimes they are easier to strike up in that sometimes there is less competition felt, and also that men are human too and hence deserve not to be treated as non-entities that I refuse to have any sort of relationship with, or to share my thoughts with (especially given that we all have things to learn from each other). I read an article about how the church sometimes treats singles - like they are ancillary to married people, and how the church sometimes encourages drawing of very very clear lines, the only option of which they interpret to be no friendships at all between spouses and opposite sex singles. Which honestly, feels like depriving singles based on their status, especially given that married couples might cheat with their other married friends. To me, it seems like abolition of everything possible from cross-gender friendships between married people and singles, both good and bad, instead of trying to reach a balance so that good might survive. And I do not believe that should be what a church is about, for a church is about loving in the purest way as comes from God, not just about the prevention of sin. On my own part, I have felt jealousy before, and I know how easy it is to feel scared that the one you want to spend your whole life with might be taken away, but I also believe that I should battle not be selfish with the sharing of my beloved's talents, and that I should not attempt to limit all the good he can bring to the world, and that will be also his reason for existing.
It is also a pure thing to safeguard what is others' for them. Therefore, I should also try as best as I can to draw lines if I feel like things are inappropriate, and I should also help keep the peace, and reconcile relationships, and wish the best for all my friends even if their successful relationships may end up with them being more busy, with less time for me. By writing this out, I feel like this is such an expected thing already that it is silly to write, but it is such a necessary commitment. And also, in future, even if I'm like single forever, I expect myself not to cheat with a married man. No matter how unhappy he is with his wife, or how close he might say they are to breaking up, I will not get involved with adultery. I am not going to break his wife's heart, and his children's hearts. And, especially for my close female friends, please don't do this for your own sake because you only secure yourself someone whom you cannot trust from then on. You will always and ever be wondering who can seduce him away, because this is a man who has proven that he is not strong enough to stand resolute in his morals.
Therefore, also along with the absence of ambiguity, I think that I do not want to date casually. I'll either see others as friends and brothers and sisters and treat them accordingly, or I'll go through courtship with them. Haha. This is an antiquated notion, I know. But it's a notion that revives the concept of dating being for marriage - otherwise, it really is a waste of time if it will not lead to marriage. If it will not lead to lifelong commitment, then it will very likely splinter, and this hurts so much that it's really not worth it. All the time spent dreaming together will be memories of pain and fruitlessness, and it's stealing the other person's time as well, for they might have met someone more suitable; and might have loved more purely themselves if you had broken their heart less. It trivializes love, from the love that lasts a lifetime based on sheer will and fighting and commitment, to a love that is actually a running away and distraction for the other person from the real world and the other real ways they can spend their time loving the others around them through work and deed. And practically, it also does make my potential future spouse have to be someone who is strong enough to consider the options, and make a decision to declare their intention and to commit to exploring our possible future relationship thoughtfully.
By drawing boundaries, we make what is previously unthinkable possible. It is the lack of drawing boundaries that makes things all clouded and messed up and unfair to either party. And with this, I expect to be able to have my friendships flourish, and yet be pure. Haha what an ambitious statement to state my intention like this, and also to state all my expectations of a future spouse. But this is what I think now, because theoretically it does make sense, and it will really be better to be alone than to give your life to someone who will use it to break your heart and leave scars on it. So we'll see what happens in the future!
Haha. :) Also, many postcards and letters that Ggy had sent to me. It's the first time I'm publicly posting about our breakup, and almost 5 months to the day that we did.
*
Breakups are never about one person. They're about both people involved, and how something between them didn't work out. For me, it was the discovery that what he wanted, I couldn't give him. I had promised to try to take our relationship as far as it could go to marriage. It was a promise to be staunch and steadfast, to stay committed to our relationship and to internally testing it whether it could make it that far, as opposed to externally testing it against other options. I think that, although I could not go further because I realized certain critical things about me and you, I have loved you in this way.
As much as I realized in the end that he wasn't able to meet all my needs, and it was really hurting and draining me, and that both of us didn't know each other anymore, I know that I too haven't been seeing him properly and fully as he is. I am very sorry, because you have a very pure heart, and you are a very wonderful person whom all my friends think is funny and smart and whom my parents too have grown to like, though you're scared they don't like you. I'm sorry that I haven't loved you the way you deserve, and I wish for you all the best.
*
I've been thinking a lot about relationships recently. Some of my friends will know this because I've been sharing all sorts of ideas with them. It started from the breakup, and realizing how I needed to be aware of my needs, and meta-aware of what I was doing in my daily life. I also have realized recently that I am not very close to a lot of my family members, even though I feel like I want to love them. And this, too, is part of my blindness because I have not been seeing things clearly enough. So I want to do more to love them, as opposed to feeling sad that they aren't loving and reaching out to be in my life. For what it is, I am a human with the choice to change things, and I am also the second child of this family, and so I have much power and responsibility really.
Other than that, I've been thinking about future relationships. I do not think that I am ready for a new relationship soon. I have a lot of things to settle with the transition to work, and cannot commit to anyone before that transition has been made. And a friend introduced to me the idea of purity, as elucidated by Joshua Harris in I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship. I know, Christians (especially American ones?) do all sorts of things like purity rings which no one really keeps. But the idea of sexual purity first comes about from the concept of purity itself. Which is: Being pure in intention towards others.
It is a pure thing to do when you are clear about what you have to offer others, and do not entice or mislead them to be more to you than you are willing to give back. I do believe in things like cross-gender friendships, because I do think that sometimes they are easier to strike up in that sometimes there is less competition felt, and also that men are human too and hence deserve not to be treated as non-entities that I refuse to have any sort of relationship with, or to share my thoughts with (especially given that we all have things to learn from each other). I read an article about how the church sometimes treats singles - like they are ancillary to married people, and how the church sometimes encourages drawing of very very clear lines, the only option of which they interpret to be no friendships at all between spouses and opposite sex singles. Which honestly, feels like depriving singles based on their status, especially given that married couples might cheat with their other married friends. To me, it seems like abolition of everything possible from cross-gender friendships between married people and singles, both good and bad, instead of trying to reach a balance so that good might survive. And I do not believe that should be what a church is about, for a church is about loving in the purest way as comes from God, not just about the prevention of sin. On my own part, I have felt jealousy before, and I know how easy it is to feel scared that the one you want to spend your whole life with might be taken away, but I also believe that I should battle not be selfish with the sharing of my beloved's talents, and that I should not attempt to limit all the good he can bring to the world, and that will be also his reason for existing.
It is also a pure thing to safeguard what is others' for them. Therefore, I should also try as best as I can to draw lines if I feel like things are inappropriate, and I should also help keep the peace, and reconcile relationships, and wish the best for all my friends even if their successful relationships may end up with them being more busy, with less time for me. By writing this out, I feel like this is such an expected thing already that it is silly to write, but it is such a necessary commitment. And also, in future, even if I'm like single forever, I expect myself not to cheat with a married man. No matter how unhappy he is with his wife, or how close he might say they are to breaking up, I will not get involved with adultery. I am not going to break his wife's heart, and his children's hearts. And, especially for my close female friends, please don't do this for your own sake because you only secure yourself someone whom you cannot trust from then on. You will always and ever be wondering who can seduce him away, because this is a man who has proven that he is not strong enough to stand resolute in his morals.
Therefore, also along with the absence of ambiguity, I think that I do not want to date casually. I'll either see others as friends and brothers and sisters and treat them accordingly, or I'll go through courtship with them. Haha. This is an antiquated notion, I know. But it's a notion that revives the concept of dating being for marriage - otherwise, it really is a waste of time if it will not lead to marriage. If it will not lead to lifelong commitment, then it will very likely splinter, and this hurts so much that it's really not worth it. All the time spent dreaming together will be memories of pain and fruitlessness, and it's stealing the other person's time as well, for they might have met someone more suitable; and might have loved more purely themselves if you had broken their heart less. It trivializes love, from the love that lasts a lifetime based on sheer will and fighting and commitment, to a love that is actually a running away and distraction for the other person from the real world and the other real ways they can spend their time loving the others around them through work and deed. And practically, it also does make my potential future spouse have to be someone who is strong enough to consider the options, and make a decision to declare their intention and to commit to exploring our possible future relationship thoughtfully.
By drawing boundaries, we make what is previously unthinkable possible. It is the lack of drawing boundaries that makes things all clouded and messed up and unfair to either party. And with this, I expect to be able to have my friendships flourish, and yet be pure. Haha what an ambitious statement to state my intention like this, and also to state all my expectations of a future spouse. But this is what I think now, because theoretically it does make sense, and it will really be better to be alone than to give your life to someone who will use it to break your heart and leave scars on it. So we'll see what happens in the future!
Labels: family, ggy, love, purity, relationships
Post a Comment